Gossip

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS:
The Dressing Room Closet
By: The Duchess Matilda Bonaparte and The Countess Fifi of Davenport

Disclaimer: Readers of this article should note that no actual journalism was conducted in the writing of this column. While some of the persons mentioned may be real, none of the information about them is. If you should find any piece of gossip in this column true, it is a complete accident and you might want to reevaluate your social conduct.

To our faithful readers,
            We are proud in the fact that we are nothing but honest with you all.  Because of this, to end the semester these writers couldn’t just focus on one person.  We’ve decided to be honest about anyone and anything.  No one is safe in this edition of Behind Closed Doors.

TIDBITS

- It is official: after witnessing Jake Brown and Nick Scalzo in full drag on the eve of Relay for Life 2008, we can all agree that we wish we were as beautiful as them. However, after seeing the perfection of their ladylike grace, these writers are inclined to question their true gender identities. We came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter if they are male or female, we can’t get enough of them.

Nick and Jake parading as women at Relay for Life

- The Theatre Prom was a success! VIP appearances were abundant: the Phantom of the Opera, the Masked Zorro, and Sergio Soltero as his true self: a creepy Principal. Although rumors say that the prom king and queen elections were in fact fixed and that the real winners were Chris Waldron and Brockett Vola, these writers give mad props to Stephanie Mellini for her heart-warming and inspirational speech that she borrowed from the film Mean Girls. 

- Rob Ek officially has the cutest chocolate lab in existence. We know.  We’ve checked. “Little Bear” has stolen our hearts.

- Yes, those inebriated sorority girls all along the strip really did think the zombies in “Zombie Walk” were real.  Fantastic make-up job kids!

Shady Green Hoodie was returned to him unharmed. I think we can all agree that this is a huge relief. These writers were especially concerned with its disappearance. Luckily, it was not sold for parts on the Black Market.

Shady Brady and his Green Hoodie

- It has been confirmed that Patrick Hethcoat is in fact the evil twin of Ben Hethcoat. Patrick has stolen Ben’s identity and is parading around the SOT under false pretenses, fooling us all. Beware… no one is safe from the desirable and beautiful grasp of Patrick Hethcoat.

The semester has come to an end and we would like to thank all of you for foolishly continuing to be yourselves and providing us with gossip to feed the hungry minds of your peers. But keep this in mind… just because it’s summer does not mean that we aren’t watching you. We’ll be in the wings taking any gossip that comes our way. If you are leaving town: be safe.  If you are staying… we’re sorry for your misfortune. We love you all and have a great summer! We bid you adieu.

-The Duchess and The Countess